30/12/2016

Snuggling, Kittens, and Resolutions

Hi, I hope you had a lovely Christmas! I'm writing this just before packing up my stuff to head to the Cotswolds to stay with a friend for New Years. I can't wait to see her and to catch up with others, but must admit I'm sort of ready to go back to work now too! Weird I know.

There haven't been any other posts this month because I've been a little distracted. The thing I've been distracted by is a man and the reason there have been no posts is because I've been wondering if this one might turn out to be an actual thing. Writing about random dates is one thing but once you're past that third date mark how do you honestly write about your experience whilst still dating the person?

I guess the first step is a pseudonym. Let's just call this guy ... Harry Potter dude, or HP for short. This stems from the fact that he was lucky enough to be an extra in all the Harry Potter films, which is obviously amazing and should definitely have been what he led with on his profile. In fact our first date was to see the Fantastic Beasts film, followed by lunch and shopping for a Christmas tree and decorations for his new house. I mean ... it might have been my perfect date ... except for the fact that he recently suggested I go kitten shopping with him in the new year. KITTEN shopping, come on!

We get on well and there's never been an awkward moment between us. He kisses me on the forehead, strokes the hair from my face in the middle of the night, laughs when I'm grumpy, and when I wake with his arm draped across me, my morning snufflings earn me a kiss on the shoulder before I'm safely and cozily tucked back into warm arms. 

Despite all this I find myself still unsure of him, unsure of myself. I'm not used to someone wanting me and then actually showing me that they do, I'm also not used to someone NOT taking advantage of me. I was recently a little frustrated that he seemed to be treating me a little TOO respectfully, I know ...  I'm crazy. He seemed both nervous and amused when he cuddled me and asked me, "have you heard of taking it slow?" Later he told me he was sorry if it was frustrating but that he was actually liking spending time with me, wanted to take his time getting to know me, and not rush things.

I don't understand why I can't just relax and enjoy this process of getting to know each other. I am full of concerns about why he likes me, or what his angle is, watching for when I'm going to get hurt. He's done nothing but treat me well but in my heart I don't feel like I deserve something so nice. There has to be a catch. I find myself sort of hoping that he won't come to care for me because even entertaining the thought of really caring for someone again fills me with fear, and I don't want to hurt him. We barely know each other, yet he's so generous with his affection and I worry that he's going to need more in return long before I'm brave enough to let myself do that again. I don't know if that makes sense but essentially it's the reverse of my situation before. I'm enjoying finally being physically close to someone but emotionally desperate to stay at arm's length. Maybe he's realised that, maybe that's why he's taking his time, or maybe I've actually just stumbled across an honest and unselfish person for once. Either way, I'm both scared and intrigued about where this will go, if anywhere, in the new year.

Talking about the new year, although I don't normally bother with resolutions, I'd like to make two here. Normally this would be something like lose weight, or get fitter. I'm already doing these things though and I know myself well enough that setting a goal won't motivate me, it'll just demoralise me if I don't attain it. I'll carry on going to the gym and try not to eat horrendously and if I lose weight and get fitter, aces. 

No, my resolutions are these: 

1. Believe that I'm worth loving. I'm tired of not being able to accept that someone might like me so, whether this means chilling out and seeing if something happens with this guy or being confident enough to keep going on first, second, and third dates, I want to get to the end of this year and not be afraid of letting someone get close again. 
2. "Don't look back, that's not where you're going" Social media is really a hideous thing when you're trying to forget someone that you cared for, who hurt you. I thought that I could just unfollow this boy on Instagram, "unsubscribe" on Facebook, delete his blog from my reader and be strong enough not to seek him out. That one day we'd both have moved on and we could reconnect and be the friends we were before it all went wrong. As if we would somehow be the exception to the rule. But I was not that strong and could not stop myself from caring. I would read his blog occasionally to see how his marathons were going and honestly to search for some hint in his words that he'd been at all affected by losing me from his life, I of course found nothing. I'd check his insta when I was feeling sad, then on a particularly down day I found myself looking at Facebook pictures of him grinning with some girl. I tormented myself with stupid thoughts about who she was to him, whether he even thought what I'd feel upon seeing them, and hating that even if I could find out, it would make no difference anyway. I unfriended him that day, to save myself, and then cried. I haven't sought him out anywhere since. 

So I'm using this ridiculous resolution idea to leave him in 2016. Anyway, I'm seeing HP soon and when he tucks me against him and kisses my shoulder I will remind myself that this simple affectionate gesture is already more meaningful than anything I got from the catastrophe that was this year. 

Should be easy right? Wish me luck! 



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