02/10/2016

Too Fat to be Fit?


Since late 2015 I have been losing weight, at first because I wanted my body to be acceptable to someone else, then because I almost stopped eating for a month, convinced my body had been found wanting. Eventually it almost became a project, a way of controlling and spurring on my ascension out of depression. I found myself thinking, "OK, I lost weight for nothing ... I will not now carelessly gain it all back for nothing too. This I can salvage, this I can control." That last one sounds a little healthier than the preceding two reasons perhaps, but really it was the worst of all. I had declared all my progress so far as nothing, as useless and a waste of time, and my motivation now was simply to never be that weak-willed, unlovable thing again. To lose weight until I had put a large enough distance between me and the body that had failed me.

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